Sunday, May 13, 2012

Wings reviews ABDC's J-Lo Challenge - everything but the dancing

There are five categories and each section has a scoring range of 0-10. A perfect performance will score 50 points and anything less is mortal. The categories are: Stunts, Cuteness, Clothes, Who they remind me of, and Challenges.

Stunts: Stunts are the most eye-catching piece of any performance. They demonstrate athleticism, creativity, and gravity. Crews will rated on how many times they use stunts because flips are kool. The more frequent stunts appear within the performance, the higher the rating will be.

Cuteness: Nothing defines entertainment better than adorable. All dancers should strive to create an atmosphere of soft “Awwwwww’s. Dance crews that pretend to act tough are merely uncomfortable with their inner Teletubby and will be shunned in this section. Oppositely, the crews that embrace their cuteness will receive higher scores.

Clothes: Clothes can either aid or hurt a crew depending on how well they fit the mood of the performance….or fit the person. Nonetheless, the crews that strut their stuff the most appropriate to their performance will be scored higher than those that fashion fail. 

Who they remind me of…: Everyone knows the most effective way to rate a crew is to compare them to another crew from past seasons. The crews will be scored on how precise they plagiarize, mock, and mimic past crews. All originality will result in a decline of points.

Challenges: Since each crew was given a plethora of challenges to do this week (as in 2), I will be commentating on how each crew used the challenges they were given. The more abstract and creative the execution was, the more points the crews will earn. On the other hand, if the crews pull Another Boring Dance Challenge, or an ABDC, then they will receive zero to none to few to not few points to nothing. Just be creative.

1) 8Flavahs
Stunts: Wow! I once held a handstand for 4 seconds (rounded up). In comparison to my shame, this week 8Flavahs bring numerous partner lifts, split dragging, back hand springs, and a back handspring into partners then front handspring into crazy flippy flip. That last flip was definitely the most “showy” stunt these girls have brought to the show. Well done for destroying my b-boyings skills, or lack thereof. Still, for the great array of stunts compared with last week you deserve an 8.

Cuteness: They are little girls. Little. Girls. Please, they possess, devour, digest, and absorb this category into their bloodstream via their small intestines villi as if it were just another nutrient. Pshh. Their nuclei contain strands of DNA with one word coded repeatedly. CUTE! It’s simple biology folks, you can’t question science. I –insert main circulatory organ here- them. 10/10

Clothes: Twirly, swirly, orangy, and flowers. This week 8Flavahs’ flavor was Sunny D. I quite enjoyed this because I am delighted when I drink Sunny D in the morning. Take a look at this.
-I enjoy consuming Sunny D at breakfast.
-8Flavahs are Sunny D
=Therefore, I enjoy consuming 8Flavahs at breakfast.
It’s not cannibalism when there is deductive reasoning involved. Ask my boss Mr. Donner, he will agree with me. Nonetheless, the girls used their colors this week efficiently. The clothes did nothing but add to the performance. I don’t know about you but I wanted to skip rope under a sunset after that performance. For breakfast and sunsets you get a 7.

Who They Remind Me Of….: The first crew that popped into my head was Fly Kicks from season 3. I think this connection was mainly brought by the large amount of splits both crews have done. Ya. Splits….. Yup. Seriously that it. Ok fine, they are both all girl crews. You happy for more explanation? But it really was just the splits. You get a 5 because the only splits I enjoy are the ones structured by bananas and ice-cream. 

Challenges: This week 8Flavahs had to fuse salsa into their dancing and incorporate trumpets. Now, I know these kids are younger and all but that doesn’t give them the excuse to do so poorly with this challenge. The salsa dancing was fine because it is a style of dancing. The problem comes with the trumpets. All the kids did this episode was rotate the trumpets in a circle and pretend to play them. Pretend! Come on girls. Break out a real trumpet and perform. Even I can do the air guitar! Pretending isn’t good enough at this stage of the competition. If you are given a prop, specifically a musical instrument, then you better use the musical instrument as it was intended, just like the salsa dancing. Unfortunately, even your amazing salsa dance can’t make up for this blunder. I am sorry, but you get a 4.
Total: 34/50

2) Mos Wanted Crew
Stunts: Mos Wanted start the performance with one member doing a twist in the air. And that is it. Simultaneously, the tire they throw up in the air does a double backflip and outshines all the stunts Mos Wanted has done on the show so far. The rest of the performance is filled with choreography agggggggaaaaaaaiiiinnnnn. Come on Mos Wanted. I want to see that tire in every performance if you guys refuse to flip. For your tiny effort you earn a 3. And the tire earns a 7.

Cuteness: The “pretty boy” shines this week! Well kinda. Ian Eastwood got more recognition for his cuteness in the video package in their rehearsals then he did in the actual performance. I will consider that one small step for Mos Wanted and one giant leap for future cuteness. Ian was recognized, now he needs to be the center of attention for each performance. Pretty boy needs to take charge and charm it up.  Your cuteness potential earns a 5. Almost there.

Clothes: Mechanics? Janitors? The first thing I thought of was skydiver jumpsuits. Ya I don’t know why either. Still the clothes blend in nicely with all the un-needed props. The only problem I had was that two of the members weren’t wearing the top section of their outfits. Instead they were exposing their white tank tops. Inconsistent city. Either this was a horrible fashion mistake by Mos Wanted or a budget cut by the producers. And I wouldn’t doubt either. Still, the crew needs to follow up from last week’s performance and rid themselves of any white clothing they have. It just doesn’t work. 4/10.

Who They Remind Me Of….: Status Quo, Season One, Episode 4, Movie Characters. Ya know, that one episode with the really large set of cars, fences, and dumpsters? In that episode Status Quo portrayed mechanics and flipped off of everything. Mos Wanted didn’t flip off of anything but they did play mechanics with a ton of distracting props no one else got. They are practically the same crew this week, besides the dancing and the challenges, and the Ian Eastwood…..almost identical. Mos Wanted should expect a call from E-Knock shortly. 8 for a good connection.

Challenges: So you have to perform a dance on the floor? When have you never done a dance on the floor! Have the rest of your performances been in the air? Silly producers thinking they can pull a fast one. Boom that’s an easy 10 points for gravity (shared by Mos Wanted).  Now the other challenge was to include the audience. While the audience got about 2 seconds of camera time, MWC was forced to flail out of sync at the front of the stage. Way to bring them down audience. Nice sabotage. As my mother used to say “it’s like herding cats made of jello.” My family is strange. For killing a challenge you do every week Mos Wanted gets a 10. For the most far-fetched challenge of all time, the audience earns a 1 pity point.
Total: MWC 30/50 Tire 7/50 Audience 1/50

3) Elektrolytes
Stunts: The following stunts are listed in the order in which they appeared in this performance- coin flip, bench flip, pirouette, splits with kick over, heel click, back handspring, bench backflip, punch backflip, punch backflip. So they just unloaded all the stunts into this performance. Improving each week in this section. ElktrozzzzzzzzzzzzzzLYTES! 9/10

Cuteness: I don’t know what it was but something about the way Ben acted as the” undercover agent in the business suit” came off as just plain fun. Now I wouldn’t straight up say that fun equals cute, but there was something appealing about their attitude tonight. Now does this makes the performance cute, who knows. Maybe I just have a thing for undercover agents.  That’s weird. For the confusing atmosphere of cuteness or something like that you can have a 3.

Clothes: Seven hobos and a undercover badass. The clothes this week definitely enabled the Elektrolytes to tell a story about 7 undercover evil villains against one undercover world crime fighter. The entire story is undercover as well, but you get the point. Elektrolytes were able to highlight a member without any relation to an injury and perform it successfully. Good job. You get an undercover 8.

Who They Remind Me Of….: This week the Elektrolytes resemble Team Millennia from Season 3’s Britney Spears Week because of the canes that were used. Both crews used canes during their performances. Canes were used in Team Millennia’s performances, which is cool because canes were used in Elektrolytes performance. Just like TM performance canes were used. So the canes were universal in both performances. I hope you understand. I try not to be repetitive, redundant and use more words then I should in my reviews because that would be excessive and completely overdone. You get a 5 for the canes, which were in both performances by the way.

Challenges: This week Electrolytes had to depict a Subway while using canes (which were in Team Millennia’s performance). Now I was disappointed by the lack of creativity here. I mean the Elektrolytes actually made a Subway. Hold up predictable! I was hoping that they would have stacked on top of each other and portrayed a $5 foot long. The Subway sandwich….you perverts. Needless to say this would have given them the opportunity to show their meatball marinaras. Ok now I’m done. Sorry. They did a decent job with using the canes and subway car challenge I suppose. For what could have been you get a 6.
Total: 31/50

4) Collizion Crew
Stunts: I am flabbergasted! The only stunts I saw in that performance were handstand poses! Collizion Crew…what happened? It’s like your stunts were hit by the car you made last week. Too soon? Woe is me, Collizion Crew gets a 3.

Cuteness: Unlike the Elektrolytes, this crew didn’t improve their cuteness. In fact, I don’t think this crew will ever be cute. Look guys, no hate or anything but you just aren’t little girls, nor are you Ian Eastwood or undercover agents. Nothing I can do. I just call it as I see it. You guys get a Zer0 once again.

Clothes: Now those clothes are sick! Collizion Crew is pretty fly for a white guy…errrr nevermind. This week Collizion Crew is wearing shiny red and black outfits. They are probably related to Katniss Everdeen at this point; the men on fire. Other than my stupid jokes those clothes fit the mood for the performance. Collizion Crew had to bring back the foundations of hip hop, and those clothes fit the mood perfectly. If my family was given the opportunity for one of us to go see these guys perform live, I would volunteer to be tribute. Nuff said, 7.

Who They Remind Me Of…: For some reason, this week continues to remind me of Season Three. This time, the crew reminds me of Ringmasters from the Britney Spears week (which is funny because that performance eliminated Team Millennia, who used canes that week.). Both performances included moon walking and hit the stage hard. Even though Ringmaster’s performance reminded me of a Tim Burton movie, both crews destroyed the stage that week. Good job CC. 9 because the tenth point evaporated due to global warming.

Challenges: This week Collizion had to bring back the foundations of hip hop along with a special J-Lo move. Because those two go together -_-.  Needless to say I don’t really think I can pick a part this crew tonight because their challenges were simply, dance moves. The foundations of hip hop are legendary and shouldn’t be messed with. I don’t know how they did with the “special” move because I don’t really care to re-watch the performance for it. They earn a 5 for standardization + 1 for my laziness. 6 total.
Total: 25/50

5) RNG
 Stunts: I can’t say they were doing it well this week. RNG fell short on the stunts. In fact, they didn’t really bring anything flippy this week. If you guys really are the next generation, as your name would suggest, then you should know stunts are eye-catching. I am sorry RNG but your choreography just doesn’t cut it in this section. Those stunts were just as cute as Collizion Crew. 0/10.

Cuteness: More swag and more attitude all around. I must say, the 90s moves helped them lighten up from their hard hitting past episodes. This week this crew was……charismatic. They rocked the stage and showed a side of them that I am sure people have been waiting for. Their entire piece was a bundle of fun. As before fun doesn’t necessary equal cute, but they are getting there. 5 for a cute stride.

Clothes: This week every member in RNG is wearing purple and black in different places of their body. Now usually I am strict about consistency but unlike MWC, this worked. Every person was inconsistent so thus, they were consistent. The clothes were fun and aided the crew with their challenge similarly the way Collizion’s clothes helped them. Lucky Number 7!

Who They Remind Me Of….: Ok. I need some help here. There isn’t a single crew that reminds me of RNG’s performance tonight no matter how hard I try to stretch the connections. I guys I could say 787 overall from last season because both crews were fun or I could say Iconic Boys from last season as well because both crews are currently undergoing puberty. There just isn’t a single crew that really says RNG tonight. Sorry but I will have to give you guys a lame ol 3.

Challenges: Like Collizion Crew, RNG’s challenges are to do styles of dances. They are required to bring back 90s dances along with the specifically chosen “The Wop.” Now I can’t really say much more then they killed the challenge. My job is done with this section. 8 for pwning the 90s.
Total: 23/50

6) Fanny Pak
Stunts: An ode to Fanny Pak-
Until I see a Glenda stunt,
I cannot help it if I grunt.
We are waiting for the day,
That Glenda will flip again, Hooray!
This poem may be completely lame,
But even it brings more game.
Now you need to get yourselves back on track,
When Glenda Flips; Fanny Pak will be back.

Cuteness: I miss Fanny Pake CafĂ©!  –le tantrum- This week Fanny Pak didn’t expel their “loveableness” as they usually do. I would have assumed with all the colors there would have been some cuteness there, but I’m highly disappointed. 2 because I know you can make me “awww”.

Clothes: Oh boy, here we go. So I was thinking for the last few days of jokes I could make about the “robotic” clothes Fanny Pak wore before they stripped into sorbet but all of them were too lame to include. My personal favorite one though is that the clothes reminded me of something from the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory “shrink room.” Ya know, the scene where the kid jumps in front of the shrink ray and becomes the size of a chocolate bar. Anyway, Fanny then wears every Crayola crayon color in existence. A rainbow puked on all the robots in the world and called it Fanny Pak. 4/10 because I don’t know where in the world I was going with that ramble.

Who They Remind Me Of….: Once again, season 3. This time Fanny Pak reminded me of Beat Freaks in the battle of the sex’s episode. The performances contained sharp, clean beginnings and included some piece of robots; Beat Freaks did the robot, while Fanny Pak wore the robot. Ahhh I love that BF performance. I am biased and this is my review so I give FP a 9.

Challenges:  I will keep this short and simple. They had to change clothes and do a lift. They changed clothes. They did a lift. Tada…..yup. I guess I just don’t want to think about those awful clothes anymore. Sorry. 7/10
Total: 23/50
Totally Accurate Ratings-
2) Elektrolytes-31
3) MWC-30
4) Collizion Crew-25
5/6) Fanny Pak/ RNG-23
7) Tire-7
8) Audience-1

Hello once again everyone. I do hope you enjoyed another of my write-ups.  Please keep in mind that my review is very similar to “Whose Line is it Anyway”; the points don’t matter. With that in mind I hope that you will leave a comment on what you thought the most interesting aspect of J-Lo week was- relating to one of my topics. Awesome! I can’t wait to make dog jokes next week because of Pitbull and I hope that everyone will join me. Take care and have a happy Mother’s Day!

Click here to return to the first page and to leave comments. You made my Mother's Day, Wings!