Sunday, May 27, 2012

Wings reviews ABDC's Rihanna Challenge - everything but the dancing

NOTE: These categories were chosen because they allow me to jokingly poke fun at the judges, crews, and producers. It should be understood that I have complete respect for everyone involved in the production of ABDC and this review is meant for amusement only.
There are five categories and each section has a scoring range of 0-10. A perfect performance will score 50 points and anything less is mortal. The categories are: Stunts, Cuteness, Challenge, Camera Angles, and Judges Comments.
Stunts are the most eye-catching piece of any performance. They demonstrate athleticism, creativity, and gravity. Crews will rated on how many times they use stunts because flips are kool. The more frequent stunts appear within the performance, the higher the rating will be.

Nothing defines entertainment better than adorable. All dancers should strive to create an atmosphere of soft “Awwwwww’s. Dance crews that pretend to act tough are merely uncomfortable with their inner Teletubby and will be shunned in this section. Oppositely, the crews that embrace their cuteness will receive higher scores.
I will be commentating on how each crew used the challenges they were given. The more abstract and creative the execution was, the more points the crews will earn. On the other hand, if the crews pull Another Boring Dance Challenge, or an ABDC, then they will receive zero to none to few to not few points to nothing. Just be creative.
Camera Angles
Camera angles may be the largest influence in a performance. If you aren’t able to watch the performance, what else matters? The crews that have decent camera angles that highlight their performances will receive more points than the camera angles that take away from the performance. 
Judges’ Comments
The judges’ comments are the feedback for the crews each week. Their words are influential toward all the viewers at home. Therefore, I will be judging the crews based off of my judging of the judges’ comments that are judging the crews. Make sense? The crews that receive the more logical feedback will score higher than those that receive jibber-jabber.
Opening Performance –This Performance will be rated by whatever comes to mind when re-watching it.
Cool construction site theme- (+2 creativity)
The dance has nothing to do with construction- (-2 prop overdose)
All the props are black and yellow- (-1 Wiz Khalifa)
MWC member solo- (+4 suave)
Double trampoline! (+2 danger)
Wait…double trampoline- (-1 why?)
Elektrolyte’s dive, 8Flavah’s handstand, MWC flare, Glenda back handspring- (+23 awesome overload)
This season really is amazing- (+7 epiphany)
Total: +34.  Unfortunately, after tax deductions we are left with +5. The five points will be evenly distributed among the remaining five crews; one point per crew. Don’t spend it all in one place!
1.) RNG  
Stunts:Did you spot the flip? Seriously, go back and watch it again. Now did you see it? Neither did I. This section has been pinning RNG down all season which means I will have to give them another zero….wait no, I’m wrong. I got it. RNG has been pulling one long stunt the entire season. A synonym for “stunt” is a “trick”. A “trick” is a “deceit”.  A “deceit” is a “practice of misleading.” OMG. By not doing actual stunts they were misleading us by doing one long stunt. Sooo RNG’s stunt was to not do stunts. I can’t believe that worked. 10/10. (If anyone can work that one out, kudos to you.)

Cuteness:Nothing gets my heart strings more tingly then a good romance story. The only thing that would have sold this performance any more would have been teenage vampires. Yes that was a Twilight joke. Laugh Dangit! Anyway, RNG has once again brought the “awww” factor that fills the cuteness meter for this week. Well done for telling a story and keeping young love alive. My reaction to your performance was similar to goldfish crackers, we both smiled back. 10/10.

Challenge: This week RNG was required to perform a hat trick. Immediately the sports fan in me anticipated the crew to recreate a hockey game and pretend to score three goals on each other. Instead, they used actual hats. Surprise everyone. RNG lined up all their hats up and proceeded to rotate them into cool patterns. The execution was original, I will give you that, but there was just something missing. Better luck next time. You guys earn a 3.

Camera Angles: Total Times Camera Angles Switched-30
I found out what was missing from the challenge this week; the challenge itself. During the hat trick execution RNG split their crew up. From left to right across the stage the crew was separated Jennique, the hat trick group, and Bailey. The camera angles decided to focus on one of the three at a time. If the other two groups weren’t dancing it means that the camera angles were wise to focus on the only group that was dancing, or that we missed two-thirds of the entire crew if everyone was involved. In other words, either we missed part of the challenge this week or we didn’t depending on when the camera angles decided to show each portion of RNG. We don’t know what we missed, but the camera crew for RNG will know they are missing a large chunk of their score this week. Take a 2. 

Judges’ Comments:
Dtrix- “Last week y’all were in the bottom and y’all just pooed on the bottom.”
Lil Mama- “I’ll tell ya this much, RNG y’all gangsta for real though.”
JC- “It did start a little bit slow.”
Ok let’s take a look at the feedback we have here. Ummm the judges told RNG that they were gangsters and that they….pooed on the competition? It did start off a little slow though which is hinting toward constipation. Constipated gangsters?  Well done judges. Words of wisdom. There you have it, the feedback of the year award. For this blatant use of sarcasm the judges receive a 9…that was sarcasm too. With the overall theme of the judges’ comments referring to bowel-impaired mobsters you guys actually receive a 3.
Total: 28/50
2) 8Flavahs
Stunts: I noticed that aside from the partner aerial, all the flips and stunts used in this performance were either on the giant cake or performed while getting off the giant cake. Their uses of stunts in this performance were the coolest ways I have ever seen anyone play with their food. If they can backflip off cake, I can surely do a head spin on broccoli. Needless to say, they didn’t use as many stunts as last week which saddens my previously pleased heart strings toward the edge of depression. –sniff-. Pick it up 8Flavahs. If you can do that and teach me how to do a handstand on macaroni and cheese, than you will receive more than the 4 points you did this week. 

Cuteness:This performance had me shivering. And not in the good way. I was disturbed. Usually I would expect “other types of people” to appear out of giant birthday cakes, not little girls. The beginning of the performance had me distracted for the rest of the performance. The only other piece of this performance that I caught was the children’s outfits, which reminded me of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Yikes. Even the stop, drop, and roooooollllll at the end of the performance looked like upside coach roaches (Well said Nancy). Nothing could make up for my disastrous series of connections for this one. I am sorry 8Flavhas but you are slowing descending from your throne of cuteness. Please don’t ever do this again, and I will never give you a 1 again.

Challenge: 8Flavahs had to create a fire effect and then extinguish it. In other words, the little girls had to do exactly what their parents told them not to do. Next week 8Flavahs will have to incorporate talking to strangers, then the week after that they will have to steal some candy. All jokes aside, half of the girls did stand upon the giant cake and play the candles this week. The effect was cool, but it was unneeded. They weaved the challenge into the performance, but not the dance. Good job girls for getting an early start for the fourth of July but the challenge wasn’t as explosive as the candles themselves. For half of the members becoming pyromaniacs, you receive a 5.

Camera Angles: Total Times Camera Angles Switched-31
I can’t complain. The camera angles were good. You heard me. They were good! Everyone and everything involved in this performance was highlighted and viewable for the audience. As my father would say “even the blind squirrel eventually finds a nut.” I guess….this is two thumbs up for the camera crew. –Pushes button- “That was easy.” 10/10.

Judges’ Comments
JC- “The only thing is, at parts it’s kinda like you guys got a little grimy. I don’t know. You might be a little too young for me to kinda get into the grimy thing.”
Dtrix- “I loved the fact that it was brilliant that you guys had four candles representing the average age of your crew.”
Lil Mama- “Y’all are on fire.”
It would appear that the judges are split about 8Flavahs age tonight. As impressive as it is for the crew to be appearing on a show like this as toddlers, they really shouldn’t be getting grimy. I am glad that JC agrees with that statement. Imagine how awkward it would have been if he said something like “Y’all need to get grimier each week.” Ohhh boy. On the other side of the judges’ comments, Lil Mama thinks that 8Flavahs are on fire with their age and performance. It would appear that 8Flavahs have split the judges, which splits their score in half. 5/10.
Total: 23/50
3) Mos Wanted Crew
Stunts:Ricky just destroyed all future stunts that will appear on the show this season.  I don’t exactly know what to call that move but it looked like a potential air flare into a one handed spinning freeze. Or technically speaking, the move was awesome. Even though I need to buy a book of b-boy moves, I don’t need to official name to comprehend the wow factor from this stunt. As cool as it was though, it was the only stunt MWC brought this week. They need to incorporate the number of tricks from last week with the jaw dropping effect of this week. I grant thee a powerful 7.

Cuteness:This week has just crumpled in cuteness. Maybe it was the giant trench coats. Ya…it was the trench coats. I usually grade cuteness on how comfortable I would feel with the crew in a dark ally. This week, I’m scared for my life. You also know it wasn’t a cute performance for MWC when Lil Mama didn’t mention Ian at all. Even the song didn’t help. “Cockiness…I love it. I love it. I love it.” Uggggg This week America didn’t see the butterfly’s that are Mos Wanted. After careful decimal rounding you guys get a 0.

Challenge: MWC bringing back the story telling! Those that remember Drake will understand MWC drive to eliminate themselves of the clashing white hats that were in their performance. If you look carefully in this performance you will observe the members removing their trench coats slowly throughout. Absolutely Broadway. This crew really does surprise you with how emotional they can become when working with outfits each week. I don’t know about you but I am touched. Keep up the wonderful work MWC, it takes a real crew to be able to emotional connect to your audience with a challenge you are given. I will use your 10 this week to wipe the tears from my forever-touched cheek.

Camera Angles: Total Times Camera Angles Switched- 25
Things were looking great up until the point where things got “cocky.” Around the point when the boys start playing charades with the word cockiness, they camera angles lose their touch. The camera angles switch to the left, they only show half the crew, they do this and this and blah blah blah. The worst camera angle for this performance is the part when Jun gets tossed into a jacket and his arms are replaced with his team mates. Sure it was a cool illusion but the better illusion was how the camera men made the rest of the crew disappear. Who knows what was going on during that time?  For an exponential decrease in camera angle decency you guys receive a 4.

Judges’ Comments:
Mamacita- “Just the way you guys framed the performance was tasteful, and I enjoyed it.”
JC-“This was a great, great performance this week. Well done.”
Dtrix- “This week I think you guys stole the show.”
Well this is disappointing. I am unable to make fun of anything the judges said for this crew. It is all positive and logical to the performance. Curse you judges! 10/10
Total: 31/50
4) Elektrolytes
Stunts:Elektrolytes are stepping it up and using moves from their special book…their flip book. Get it? Boom! Lame I know. Apparently Elektrolytes had in their book, “flip off microphone stand.” Fortunately for them, they were able to use a microphone stand this week and did just that. However, just like MWC the Elektrolytes really had only one stand out stunt this week.  The old saying “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it” is spot on. Elektrolytes need to stop learning from history and return to the good ol days of flip city. For the one flip this week you guys earn one point plus 3 more bias points. 4 total.

Cuteness:Ahh I see you read my review from last week.  I mentioned how taking off your shirts in the Pitbull challenge had my inner cuteness meter in a knot. This week you guys returned by… unbuttoning the shirt of one of your members. I am afraid to say that this week I am not confused about my cuteness. The showing of the skin just doesn’t cut it this week. However, the nerd glasses were a nice touch of cuteness. Y’all were showing your funky fun side tonight, which counts for something. In shorts, keep your pants on. ABSolutely keep your shirt on. On top of that, keep your jackets on. SOLEly keep your shoes on. Use your head and keep all your hats on. I want you like I desire all my salads, dressed. 2/10.

Challenge: That microphone was the 9th Elektrolytes member this week.  That prop did some partner work, worked with all the members, and allowed one of the Elektrolytes to flip off him. Yes, the microphone is a guy. In fact, his name is Mike. Mike was the center of attention this week and was incorporated wonderfully. I would suggest bringing Mike into every performance. Nine points for each member of the crew.

Camera Angles: Total Times Camera Angles Switched- 31
I am going straight to the problem with this section. The part of the performance when the back flip off the microphone occurs, the camera angles switch the side of the stage. If that isn’t bad enough, the camera angles are able to control time. The flip somehow slows down with the return of the infamous ABDC slow mos. The rest of the camera angles are decent. Decent is normal at this point. For poor timing with time slowing down at the wrong time of your performance, you guys get a timely 4. Better luck next time.

Judges’ Comments: (NOTE: as a result of being in the bottom two, Elektrolytes only hear feedback from two judges.)
Lil Mama- “Another one of my favorite moments was Sal when he did like a pelvis pump with the Mike and I was like wow that was funky.
JC-“The beginning was a just a little bit sloppy. I saw a couple of you guys get a little lost, but I will say you guys picked it up. It was Elektro-fying.”
While Lil Mama’s focus is glued on another type of “cockiness”, JC gave some good feedback to Elektrolytes. He wasn’t afraid to tell them that they need to tighten up and I’m not afraid to tell Elektrolytes that they should consider a Lil Mama restraining order. Last week was Lil Mama talking about Ian from MWC. This week it was the pelvis thrust. Now if Ian pelvis thrusts next week, she will lose it. I want to see that happen. Ohh and good feedback will get you a 7.
Total: 25/50
5) Fanny Pak
Stunts:Fanny Pak. Fanny Pak.
Don’t you want to win?
You must do more stunts,
Then just making your rifles spin.
I don’t know why, but when this crew doesn’t do any stunts they bring out the poet in me. Come on Fanny Pak! No one wants me to Dr. Seuss it up in here. For the sake of everyone, start flipping! 0/10.

Cuteness: Cuuuuuuuuute. What can I say, the first ten seconds of the performance speaks for itself. The attitude in this performance was simply amazing. I can’t help but feel happy when this group performs. It is clear that this group is having a blast up on the stage. While they weren’t as cute as the cutest Fanny Pak I have seen (see Fanny Pak’s When I Grow Up performance.) Still well done with being adorable this week and take a much deserved 8.

Challenge:This week Fanny Pak had to integrate rifles into their performance. Fanny Pak takes it a step farther and brings an anti-war theme to this performance this week. They toss around their pink toy rifles and bring a 11960s attitude. In the end of the performance the guns become help in becoming one giant peace sign. Now I usually joke about the way a challenge is done but Fanny Pak was definitely committed to this meaning. The challenge was done very well and expanded into an original touching theme. Peace, Love, Happiness, Hope, Caring, Generosity, Understanding, and Strength are 8 points that actually matter this week. 8/10.

Camera Angles: Total Times Camera Angles Switched- 34
Now the camera angles were generic. Of course there was the split second random zooming and side views but nothing stand out until the end. At the end the camera angle changes to the first overhead camera angle I haven’t minded. The peace sign that Fanny Pak creates is clearly visible which completes the final piece of the performance. Decent camera angles, decent score of a 7. 

Judges’ Comments: (NOTE: as a result of being in the bottom two, Fanny Pak only hears feedback from two judges.)
Dtrix- “Everything was put together so smart. I love your guy’s brains. I love Fanny Pak”
JC- “And what you have done this season has been art to me. I look at this group as a group of artists.”
Hey more positive feedback for the judges!  Both male judges were pleased with this performance and they complement Fanny Pak accordingly. I suppose I don’t really need to say anymore. In fact, Fanny Pak’s performance just about shut down all my critiques of them this week. Either I am losing spontaneous creativity or Fanny Pak just can’t be touched this week. Survey says both. I am tired. 8/10.
Total: 31/50

Totally Accurate Rating
1-2) MWC/FP -31
3) RNG- 28
4) Elektrolytes- 25
5) 8Flavahs- 23

Thanks for taking the time to read this review once again. Same as last week, if you have a suggestion for a section you would like to me add into this review please share. Next week will be filled with shuffling, wiggling, and shots shots shot shots shots shots. . I can’t wait and until then, have a wonderful week.