Sunday, May 20, 2012

Wings reviews crews on ABDC Pitbull Challenge: stunts, cuteness, challenges, deja vu factor & camera angles

There are five categories and each section has a scoring range of 0-10. A perfect performance will score 50 points and anything less is mortal. The categories are: Stunts, Cuteness, Who they remind me of, Challenge, and Camera Angles.

Stunts- Stunts are the most eye-catching piece of any performance. They demonstrate athleticism, creativity, and gravity. Crews will rated on how many times they use stunts because flips are kool. The more frequent stunts appear within the performance, the higher the rating will be.

Cuteness- Nothing defines entertainment better than adorable. All dancers should strive to create an atmosphere of soft “Awwwwww’s. Dance crews that pretend to act tough are merely uncomfortable with their inner Teletubby and will be shunned in this section. Oppositely, the crews that embrace their cuteness will receive higher scores.

Who they remind me of… - Everyone knows the most effective way to rate a crew is to compare them to another crew from past seasons. The crews will be scored on how precise they plagiarize, mock, and mimic past crews. All originality will result in a decline of points.

Challenges -I will be commentating on how each crew used the challenges they were given. The more abstract and creative the execution was, the more points the crews will earn. On the other hand, if the crews pull Another Boring Dance Challenge, or an ABDC, then they will receive zero to none to few to not few points to nothing. Just be creative.

Camera Angles - Camera angles may be the largest influence in a performance. If you aren’t able to watch the performance, what else matters? The crews that have decent camera angles that highlight their performances will receive more points than the camera angles that take away from the performance. 
Opening Performance –This Performance will be rated by whatever comes to mind when re-watching it.
-Dangerously placed lifeguard tower- (+6 danger)

-Song: Every word Pitbull says sounds the same- (-3 pronunciation)
-Glenda Flip!- (+10 addiction)
-Elektrolytes Lifeguard solo (+2 lolz)
-Mos wanted wants abs the most- (+1 curiosity…….-4 killed the cat.)
-Umbrellas opened inside (-3 bad luck)
-Iconic Boyz (-5 for not saving the best for last)
-That performance was a beach (+2 comedy)
-Really craving a churro right now (-4 irrelevant information)
Total: +3. One point goes to Glenda. One point goes to my churro fund. And one point goes toward liberty and justice for all.
1.) Elektrolytes
Stunts: So I saw several flips in that performance. Just several flips. Elektrolytes, you guys have really taken a step down this week. Sure the stunts were there but man, they were lacking energy and the usual boom boom pow. I apologize but I have no choice but to flip off your stunt choice this week. Pun intended. 3/10

Cuteness:Not a cute performance in the least. They had so much fighting attitude going on they were overshadowing their inner undercover agent from last week. Only undercover agents can fight and pull off an Elektrolyte cute. Yet, they managed to find a loop hole in my system by stripping half of their crew at the same time. So….Bow-Chica-Wow-Wow? Not sure if that is cute or creepy at this point. But hey, I suppose you guys get points once again for confusing my inner adorable meter. A 2 should satisfy this conundrum.

Who They Remind Me Of….:This week Elektrolytes remind me of Massive Monkees from Season Four during the martial arts week.  That week Massive Monkees choose to do a 540 from their martial art style of extreme martial arts. In the end, they bit off more than they could chew with that challenge because not every member could do the move. This week, Elektrolytes chew off more than they can bite…..wait a minute. Elektrolytes take their challenge way too far while Massive Monkees couldn’t take theirs far enough. So hey, that was a good comparison for once. I am really proud about this section. Elektrolytes get an 8 and I am going to go blog about this moment.

Challenge:Your challenge was to perform what again? Tapioca? Paprika? Ohh Capoeira, how could I forget with a name like that? Anyway the total number of kicks done in this performance, spread among all members to make the score even higher was- 28 but give or take like ten. Whatever the number was it is safe to say that Elektrolytes owned their challenge Copernicus…or whatever it was called. They kicked this challenge out of the competition. For that you receive an 11/10. Holy mixed fraction!

Camera Angles: Total Times Camera Angles Switched: 28
This means for ever kick that was in that performance, the camera changed angles. This performance the camera focused on the only people doing tricks and kicks. As always, if you aren’t in the front, you don’t matter and therefore dance for NO ONE! Mwahahahaha. Sorry.  My favorite camera angle in this performance is right after four of the members take off their shirts the camera can’t help but zoom in on one of the shirtless members while he expresses pain or anger. I suppose other than the camera angles zooming in on alllll the moments (which is expected at this point) not many key sections in this performance got cut out. Not a bad start for the only crew on ABDC that never gets voted off. 6 for the Camera Crew!

Total: 30
2) 8Flavahs

Stunts:Take that Elektrolytes! It was like 8Flavahs took every stunt they have done on the show to this point and placed it in that performance.  Alright not every stunt but enough to become my new stunt crew for the week. WOOHOO! R.I.P Elektrolytes. For murder this week I grant thee a 9.

Cuteness:I thought the end of the world would come sooner before I take points away from this flawlessly cute crew. But it happened. I didn’t see my loveable girls up there this week. It was probably the fact that these girls killed one of their own with a blow dart. For some reason that moment reminded me something from Lord Of The Flies. If you somehow know what I am referencing then you are as scared as I am. If not, then you have a new summer book to read. I am sorry but I have no choice but to heavily and brutally diminish your score. Ummmmm 9/10. 

Who They Remind Me Of….:This week 8Flavahs reminded me of Beat Freaks from that horrible season 3 week, Wack Tracks. Even though that week was so forgettable, I remember Beat Freaks having the wackiest clothing. They wore poofy skirts much like 8Flavahs did this week. This was seriously a poor connection, but not many crews have done the can-can so I was left with little room for creativity. Better luck next time. Take an 2. 

Challenge:How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? Did she actually sell seashells by the sea shore? Can you do the can-can? Yes they can can-can. And they did. They only problem I had with the use of your challenge this week was, it wasn’t the center of your performance. You could have done the can-can in a straight line. You just can’t can-can in a circle. Can-caning takes precise precision to perform the perfect picture because producing the can-can is a particular product that has to be particularly on point. What am I saying? Hahahahahaha. This was fun to write. And you guys get a 6.

Camera Angles:Total Times Camera Angles Switched: 31
Now you may have to re-watch the performance for yourself but this performance included more camera shots from the side of the dance floor than any other performance. Even the performance starts with the camera man panning across the side of the stage while one of the 8Flavah members does some tricks! At one point the camera man flies into the air and takes a shot from above the girls while they can-can. Yup. When you say it like that it no longer seems like a logical idea now does it MTV? This performance had me questioning my directions so much I pulled out my compass. Now I’m lost. That’s a 4 for the four direction I can no longer determine.

Total: 30
3) Mos Wanted Crew
Stunts:Let’s See. Ohh I see a one handed freeze. One member throws up a hat and the one doing the freeze…drops it. No big deal. Moving on. Ok, another member jumps over another member and…T-Bags him? Was that supposed to happen? Either way there must be stunts that are successful here. Did you see the synchronized backflips? They were harder to spot then Waldo but they were there. And the performance finishes with the only stand-out stunt; a side tuck, flip, stunt. I just use as many words as I can to describe something when I don’t know the technical name.  In total, that performance had the stunts….but they didn’t shine. They didn’t glow. They were deader than Lil Mama’s clothing choices this year. No life what-so-ever. But still, it was the thought that counted. Right? For stunts this week you deserve a 9.

Cuteness:This performance wasn’t that cute. I mean y’all were militant and strong this week, the cuteness wasn’t there though. But then…ahhhh….Ian came through the middle. And that’s all that matters. Seriously, if you want to win this thing, then Ian stays in the middle. Ian does a solo. Ian is what we want most. I’m naming my first born Ian. Ian. Ian. Ian. Ian. Cute but a 5 out of Ian. <3

Who They Remind Me Of….:Man I hate this comparison but Saltare from Season 5. Several time during season five Saltare, a jump roping crew, had several mistakes in their performance with one train wreck specifically. Unfortunately, Mos Wanted’s performance reminded me of this and they weren’t even jump roping. But like always; if you fall on your face, you are still moving forward. Pick er up Mos and you will pick up your score. 5/10.

Challenge:This week Mos Wanted had to perform a Russian dance that had a specific name but the name ran away from the internet in depression because Pluto is no longer a planet. Sooo Russia. They came out and definitely compiled all my stereotypical Russian moves into one performance. Not much more can be said but I want some Vodka right now. I suppose that is the ultimate sign of Russian success. For holding back my communism jokes, you guys get a 7.

Camera Angles:Total Times Camera Angles Switched: 27
So two notes here. One- at one point toward the end of this performance the camera focuses only on Ian’s face. Seriously, go see for yourself. They actually show Ian for a good irrelevant second or two instead of the rest of the crew. Second, during the time that one of Mos Wanted’s members fails at leap frog and lands on his other member, the camera shot switches to a closer view of the fail. –insert theory on how MTV wants MWC to lose because they are highlighting the fail-. And then the truth is revealed, the camera crew is the ones who took my Vodka. 4/10.

Total: 30
4) Fanny Pak
Stunts: There was a nice lift at the start, but then there was a Glenda!!! So not a Glenda flip, but a Glenda split. You may not consider this a stunt but I don’t consider you a person, so we are even. You’ve been reduced to rock status. So quiet you rock. Glenda finally did something acrobatic and I will soak in this glorious moment. Two Glenda moments in one episode; life is good. And so is the score this week: 8

Cuteness:I don’t want to say that this crew was cute this week but once again, a crew has found a loop hole in my cute-o-meter. That performance was just balanced? Is that good term? They weren’t super cheesy nor where they gladiators. It was a decent display of attitude and….those smiles are killing me. Too many pearly whites! Ahhh I can’t take it. Don’t look at their teeth. They will convert you, I swear. Must....not….look at shiny….I will do whatever you want Fanny Pak. You want a ten? At your wish master. 10.

Who They Remind Me Of….:I wasn’t sure but I could have sworn I saw Leiomy up there this week from season four’s Vogue Evolution. During season four, Vogue Evolution used scarfs during their Bollywood week. The only thing missing this week was the Vogue Evolution attitude. Both crews had attitude but man Vogue was fierce. Fanny Pak was missing their ferocity tonight. The scarfs just aren’t enough to keep this comparison alive. I am sorry Fanny Pak but one of you needed to dip. 2/10

Challenge: Bbbbbbbbbollywood! No relation to Hollywood or Woody Harrelson as I originally thought. The dance is from India and they destroyed this challenge. Every move they did included an intricate use of their hands and the scarfs they brought. I felt like Bollywooding along. I am patenting that verb. 7.

Camera Angles:Total Times Camera Angles Switched: 31
Come on Fanny Pak, splitting up your crew like that at the start of your performance is only asking for poor camera angles. At the start of the performance the camera shots cover the three sections of people one at a time. While I am impressed they got to all three I am sure that I missed, ohh I don’t know, like 80% of the rest of the crew. Other than another poor camera angle start the angles are edited fairly well by showing us most of the crew. I seriously think that the producers will have a heart attack if a shot is stationary for more than a few seconds. That would be silly to think you would cover the most of a performance by remaining in one shot…..mmhmmm. No me gusta equals a 3.

Total: 30
5) RNG
Stunts: Check out Bailey bringing an aerial this week. That was nice. As much as I liked seeing that stunt that was all RNG had to bring this week. Yikes. RNG you know that stunts are plural right? Crews don’t do stunt, they do stunts. That’s a grammatical failure RNG. Learn to balance your school work and dancing. Pshhh. 4/10.

Cuteness: You better watch out 8Flavahs. This is two weeks in a row that RNG has stepped up their cuteness. This week’s performance had more attitude than a room full of teenage girls. RNG is shedding their tough behavior they had in the beginning of the season. Keep this kid-fun personality and I will order myself tiny RNG dolls. Ohh and an action figure one of you Bailey. As my good friend Buddha used to say “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. “ And you are currently concentrating at the top of your cuteness. For a fantastic display of childhood you earn a 9.

Who They Remind Me Of….: Well this is a first. This week RNG also managed to remind me of the martial arts week performance by Massive Monkees. I think it was because both performances made me want Chinese food. Or maybe it was the shiny outfits. Music? I really can’t put my name what exactly reminded me of that performance but meh. I’m too lazy to think of anything else. You get what you get and don’t throw a fit. And this week you get a 6.

Challenge: This week RNG had to perform the dance of a thousand hands. Now let me do the math- 7members x 2hands each= 14hands total? Someone check that for me. Geez RNG you guys really fell short here. You had to do the dance of a 1000 hands not the dance of 14! I’m not good at math and you didn’t fool me. How did no one in rehearsal catch that mistake? While I am sure it would have been very hard to gather an extra 493 people to do that dance, you could have at least hit the triple digits with this one. I have no choice but to give you a 1 for the one percent of hands you managed to include.

Camera Angles:Total Times Camera Angles Switched: 29
OMG I will be the first to say it. The part when RNG is performing the 1000 hands dance is the longest time a camera angle has stayed the same. I said it! That’s a total of eight seconds of not moving. Someone dial up Ripley’s because I don’t believe it. The rest of the angles don’t matter anymore. It’s a Christmas miracle. It’s a hole in one. We won the lottery. Glenda flips and now this? Best ABDC week EVER! AHHH ten ten shabam! 10/10

Total: 30
Totally Accurate Ratings-
1-5) Every single crew-30
Would you look at that. Shame someone has to go home this week. Based on these ratings the judges should have saved the bottom two because the crews were all the same this week. Ohhh well.

Hey thanks again for reading another one of these reviews. If you just skipped to the bottom of the page and didn’t read it all then you should keep your mouth shut, you rock.(hehehehe) Anyway, hope that the review brightened your ever wonderful day. Also, I have, and will continue, to mix up the sections week to week to keep the entertainment level steady. If you have a suggestion for a section you would like me to judge the crews on or if you want me to bring back a section, then I would love to hear your opinions. All impute is appreciated. With that I am off. Until next time, have a good one.
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